So this is it. You’re fresh out of high school and are making it into college. Yes, that means you can finally use college-ruled paper without feeling like a liar. You’ll see that college and high school differ in so many ways; one being that you never really go home. Oh, and the food’s terrible. No wait, that’s one of the similarities. Anyway, one of the main differences between college and high school is that it’s not about academics at all. Think of it this way: you spent all your life working hard to be here so, now that you’re here, what’s there left to do? Exactly, “drinking till you puke” is a good answer. I also would have accepted “Boxing Day.”
ORIENTATION
Orientation can be one of the most stressful days of your college experience. This is your chance to really meet some people. They say appearance matters the most, so try to dress casual for the day. Nothing says friendly like pajama bottoms and a college sweatshirt! Now that you’re comfy and approachable, try making small talk with potential friends. Sure, starting a conversation with a complete stranger is nerve racking in a way, but most people find talking about simple things such as class, the weather, or other people easier. I recommend blending all three of these for the best result. Your typical conversation should start out something like, “Yeah, that guy looks as cool as Math 17A with a slight chance of rain." Can’t find a potential friend anywhere in the crowd? Are all the people there talking about things you have absolutely no interest in? Well, remember that you have to live with these animals; “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em." I see it more like “If you can’t beat ’em, trick ’em.” They’ll be expecting you to join them so you’ll have the element of surprise.
MOVE IN DAY
Move-in day can be one of the most chaotic days of college. Your second college experience will involve moving all of your stuff from the car into your room. Not to mention the thousands of other freshman trying to do the same thing. The stairs will be clogged with people taking things up, the streets will be jammed with cars, and parents will be wandering everywhere. However, this is a good time to get to know people. No, not by talking to them. That’s a silly response and you obviously have much to learn. What better way to get to know a person than by the stuff he or she brings into her dorm room? Sit back and examine the people, but most importantly, examine their stuff. You’ll be thinking things along the lines of: “That dude has a lava lamp. He probably smokes weed,” “That guy brought a stuffed animal with him. He most likely wets the bed,” or “That guy brought a hockey mask and a chainsaw. I’m staying away from him.”
It’s normal to think you have the most embarrassing parents in the world on move-in day. Everyone is most likely thinking the same thing. However, rest assured that it’s not true. In fact, I’ve done the research. Statistically, the most embarrassing parent in the world is a dad who wears a baseball cap with “I ♥ Beer” on it and a “No Fat Chicks” tank top that barely covers his beer belly. So unless your name is Emily Hunt, then you’re fine. You’ve also probably heard tons of residence hall rumors. One of the more popular rumors is about “Getting that RA who really doesn’t care.” However, unlike most rumors, this one’s actually true. His name is Mike.
ROOMMATES
You’ve probably talked to them a bit online before moving in or perhaps even texted them a bit, but now you’re meeting face to face. People are usually very different from what they appear to be like online. It’s when you start living with a person is actually when you learn the most about them. Roommates range from the chronic masturbator to the manic depressive. However, it’s a safe bet that no matter what type of roommate you get, you’ll most likely end up hating them. It’s important to know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t pick your roommates, the college did. You should blame them. The best you can do now is try to make your roommates feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Hopefully, they’ll file for a room transfer next quarter. On the bright side, college roommates make for some of the best stories imaginable. It’s always possible to make fun of your roommates behind their backs in your circle of friends. Remember the chronic masturbator and the manic depressive? Imagine the laughs you and your friends will have when you begin your stories with, “You’ll never guess where my roommate was masturbating today!” or “You’ll never guess how my roommate tried to kill himself today!”
ACADEMICS
You knew it was coming. Although it’s one of the least important things of college life, it’s still worth noting. Registering for classes is one of the most important parts of the class. I’d say it’s even more important than the final. Though finals make up your grade, registration day decides how much free time you’re going to have if you pick the right classes. Try picking out fun classes that have absolutely nothing to do with your major. A word to the wise if you’re a guy: Do not register for Women’s Studies hoping to meet girls. You’ll end up in a class of 100 with 80 guys who tried to do the same thing. The few girls that are in the class will also know the exact reason you’re there and will figure out how shallow you are. Trust me, it’s not a good thing. After registration comes another college milestone: the first day. One of the main things about the first day is dressing appropriately. The first day of class is when professors usually try and scope out the slackers. It’s advised that you do not wear pajama pants this day unless you want your teacher to hate you for the rest of the year. There’s a time and place for pajama pants, like the second through last day of class.
Classes often sneak up on you during the day. It seems as though classes are scheduled to start at the most exciting parts of the day. It’s Wednesday afternoon and you’re busy sleeping off a hangover from that wicked party last night? Boom! It’s time for Sociology. Have you been watching some horrible foreign film waiting for the scene where the hot actress takes her top off? You’re only two minutes away from the scene? Too bad, it’s time for Physics. Due to many reasons, you’re likely to be late for a couple of your classes. It’s always awkward to step foot inside a room where the professor is already teaching. If you’re really unlucky, the professor may even take note of this and grade you harder. One foolproof method to excuse yourself is to tell the professor that you got lost trying to find the classroom. The professor will pity you and go on teaching as normal. This works all the time—even on the day of the final.
So there you have it. That’s college in a nutshell. There’s more to college you say? Well, if it was important, then I would have mentioned it. Good luck it college, kid. It really is the best four years of your life. It could also be the most painful six years of your life that you’ll eventually finish if your rock star career doesn’t take off. Speaking of that, why not become a rock star? Ignore the above, drop out of college, and get yourself a guitar.
About the Author: Luis Perez was born in Los Angeles, California, and is currently a Microbiology major. He’s a pretty cool guy who plays guitar and isn't afraid of anything.
MOVE IN DAY
Move-in day can be one of the most chaotic days of college. Your second college experience will involve moving all of your stuff from the car into your room. Not to mention the thousands of other freshman trying to do the same thing. The stairs will be clogged with people taking things up, the streets will be jammed with cars, and parents will be wandering everywhere. However, this is a good time to get to know people. No, not by talking to them. That’s a silly response and you obviously have much to learn. What better way to get to know a person than by the stuff he or she brings into her dorm room? Sit back and examine the people, but most importantly, examine their stuff. You’ll be thinking things along the lines of: “That dude has a lava lamp. He probably smokes weed,” “That guy brought a stuffed animal with him. He most likely wets the bed,” or “That guy brought a hockey mask and a chainsaw. I’m staying away from him.”
It’s normal to think you have the most embarrassing parents in the world on move-in day. Everyone is most likely thinking the same thing. However, rest assured that it’s not true. In fact, I’ve done the research. Statistically, the most embarrassing parent in the world is a dad who wears a baseball cap with “I ♥ Beer” on it and a “No Fat Chicks” tank top that barely covers his beer belly. So unless your name is Emily Hunt, then you’re fine. You’ve also probably heard tons of residence hall rumors. One of the more popular rumors is about “Getting that RA who really doesn’t care.” However, unlike most rumors, this one’s actually true. His name is Mike.
ROOMMATES
You’ve probably talked to them a bit online before moving in or perhaps even texted them a bit, but now you’re meeting face to face. People are usually very different from what they appear to be like online. It’s when you start living with a person is actually when you learn the most about them. Roommates range from the chronic masturbator to the manic depressive. However, it’s a safe bet that no matter what type of roommate you get, you’ll most likely end up hating them. It’s important to know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t pick your roommates, the college did. You should blame them. The best you can do now is try to make your roommates feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Hopefully, they’ll file for a room transfer next quarter. On the bright side, college roommates make for some of the best stories imaginable. It’s always possible to make fun of your roommates behind their backs in your circle of friends. Remember the chronic masturbator and the manic depressive? Imagine the laughs you and your friends will have when you begin your stories with, “You’ll never guess where my roommate was masturbating today!” or “You’ll never guess how my roommate tried to kill himself today!”
ACADEMICS
You knew it was coming. Although it’s one of the least important things of college life, it’s still worth noting. Registering for classes is one of the most important parts of the class. I’d say it’s even more important than the final. Though finals make up your grade, registration day decides how much free time you’re going to have if you pick the right classes. Try picking out fun classes that have absolutely nothing to do with your major. A word to the wise if you’re a guy: Do not register for Women’s Studies hoping to meet girls. You’ll end up in a class of 100 with 80 guys who tried to do the same thing. The few girls that are in the class will also know the exact reason you’re there and will figure out how shallow you are. Trust me, it’s not a good thing. After registration comes another college milestone: the first day. One of the main things about the first day is dressing appropriately. The first day of class is when professors usually try and scope out the slackers. It’s advised that you do not wear pajama pants this day unless you want your teacher to hate you for the rest of the year. There’s a time and place for pajama pants, like the second through last day of class.
Classes often sneak up on you during the day. It seems as though classes are scheduled to start at the most exciting parts of the day. It’s Wednesday afternoon and you’re busy sleeping off a hangover from that wicked party last night? Boom! It’s time for Sociology. Have you been watching some horrible foreign film waiting for the scene where the hot actress takes her top off? You’re only two minutes away from the scene? Too bad, it’s time for Physics. Due to many reasons, you’re likely to be late for a couple of your classes. It’s always awkward to step foot inside a room where the professor is already teaching. If you’re really unlucky, the professor may even take note of this and grade you harder. One foolproof method to excuse yourself is to tell the professor that you got lost trying to find the classroom. The professor will pity you and go on teaching as normal. This works all the time—even on the day of the final.
So there you have it. That’s college in a nutshell. There’s more to college you say? Well, if it was important, then I would have mentioned it. Good luck it college, kid. It really is the best four years of your life. It could also be the most painful six years of your life that you’ll eventually finish if your rock star career doesn’t take off. Speaking of that, why not become a rock star? Ignore the above, drop out of college, and get yourself a guitar.
About the Author: Luis Perez was born in Los Angeles, California, and is currently a Microbiology major. He’s a pretty cool guy who plays guitar and isn't afraid of anything.
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